Everthing is F*cked Up
Everything is f*cked up.
Why?
Because I feel like I'm at a point in my life where everything is crumbling. I'm losing everything—be it my relationships, family, my passion, my drive, my meaning. I've been not been doing much of what I like to do, or I'm unable to do it due to some reasons. I'm losing my Ikigai, my reason, my WHY, to jump out of bed and live—perhaps I have already lost it.
Honestly, I've again started to get nihilistic about my life. I do not know why I should keep living. I'm losing control over a lot of things in my life. I do not know what to do to fix things, or maybe I do but just don't want to do it. Why? Because I'm afraid.
Why am I afraid?
I'm afraid of the unknown, of leaving the known, afraid of leaving my comfort, afraid of getting rejected, afraid of losing people (but have already started to lose anyway), afraid of sacrificing (but will have to do that anyway).
I see.
So what should I do?
It seems you already know it.
Yeah! But still, what should I do despite knowing what I should do?
I should accept the fleeting nature of life. I should accept that not everything, not every day, not every moment will be the same for sure. No good day or moment will stay forever. I have to accept the fact that not everything that I've been given, achieved, blessed with, and what I love will not last forever in my life.
But isn't that being pessimistic? Isn't that mean giving up on things?
Yes. But...
But what?
But there's also something optimistic about it?
What is it?
If it's true that every day is not the same—good moments don't last forever, then that also means not every bad moment will last forever, not every bad day will last forever. That is also temporary like other days. What is today will also be different tomorrow just like what was yesterday isn’t exactly today. If I'm alone today doesn't mean that I'll always be alone.
And by the way, what am I even afraid of losing when nothing belongs to me?
I didn't come with anything that I'm afraid of losing. I have accumulated those things as I passed through life. Yes, those things and people are precious to me a lot, but they weren't with me forever and weren't meant to be taken for granted. And "what is meant to remain will remain," as told to me once by my friend.
Anyway, most of the time, whether something is good or bad is just a point of view. What may look bad now may not look good in the future or perhaps even look greater in the future, or it might already be looking good to someone else in the present.
What might be looking good now might not always look good and perhaps even become something to regret later.
Okay, I understood that life has a fleeting nature. Everything is temporary, uncertain, and unpredictable. Not every moment is the same, not every day is the same—whether good or bad. And the same goes for my feelings. I was sad and crying before writing, but I'm not feeling the same right now. I'm in a different mood now. My feelings are changing as my actions are changing.
If I'm getting something doesn't mean I will always have it, and the same goes for if I'm losing something today. If I'm alone today doesn't mean I will always be alone. I must believe and keep faith and hope that things will get better than now, perhaps even better than they were before.
But isn't that living passively, irresponsibly, and leaving everything to what's not in control?
Well, the answer to that is—both yes and no.
Huh!?
It depends on how you interpret it.
Yes—it is living irresponsibly if you think things will get better without you playing any role in it.
No—if you choose to live actively, if you choose to do what you should do.
Well, I don't know what I should do (or I know but pretending not to know because I don't want to do it).
Well, that's simple.
Do what you can (referring you to myself here), you still have a choice to make.
You’re already making a choice by writing.
You’re making a choice even when you’re not making a choice.
Yes, a lot of things aren't in your control, like what parents you're born to, in which body you're born, how people react to you. But how you manage your emotions when someone doesn't act how you expect that person to be is still your choice, it's still your responsibility. It's you who's choosing to expect (whether one should expect or not is another debate for some other time).
Every day something I don't want to happen will happen. Not everything will go as I plan them to be. I do not have control over everything; I do not have complete control over others (no one has, and no one should really). But that doesn't mean I should give up and go with the flow and let others decide the course of my life. I still have power over some things—my choices, how I respond to situations and people when they don't go my way, how I manage myself and my emotions and actions.
Yes, I, myself, don't always listen to myself. I get impulsive and do things that aren't in my best interests, but I have to accept I also have a relationship with myself, with different interests within me, my different personas, and my shadow.
So the bottom line is I do have a choice to make (even when I'm not making a choice—I'm still making a choice), and I should exercise this choice actively and do what I can while accepting the fleeting nature of life, accepting things will not stay the same, and keeping the hope that things will get better. Right?
Exactly.
But... but what if things didn't get better? Maybe my faith in a better future proved to be wrong. Maybe things will never get better but only worse.
Well, who knows?
Your doubt might be proved to be correct? But you can ask the similar question—regarding your doubt too. What if your doubt proved to be wrong? Ironically speaking, what if things didn't go worse but get better?
Well—who knows completely what lies in the future? (Don't use this as an excuse to gratify short-term pleasures in the present and think who has seen tomorrow, okay.) Knowing everything that's in the future is out of control—can only calculate and predict based on past actions and their outcomes.
So let's get back to the question, who knows? Your faith can be proved to be right or so can your doubt in it?
Don't get afraid if you don't have the right answer now. You can verify the answer by yourself.
But how?
Well, by moving forward. '
You can only know what's in the future by moving forward and seeing for yourself. Maybe the best and important thing you can do now, given your circumstances, is keep going and stay in the fight. And you don't seem to me like the person who is not interested in staying in the fight.
Why?
Because if you weren't, then you wouldn't have been asking all these questions. Because I know there's a part of you that wants to grow and make things better along with the little monster in you, the part who wants to destroy everything, along with the curious child in you. Because I want the best in you to come out. Because I know there's more to you.
Besides that, if you don't, you will even lose what you have right now.
So, for now, just keep going. I know you don't have all the answers. You will figure out things as you keep going. Your vision will get broader, or you can say less wrong than it is now as you will keep walking on these misty paths. Just keep going with acceptance of fleeting nature of life, of acceptance of what's in control and what's not, and keeping faith in a better future and making choices to do the best in what you can now.
These choices will be the greatest factor in your growth.
(Journal entry: 04 Feb 2024, probably 7:30-9:57 pm)
: What I was Thinking about
Thank you for reading.
This concludes the third and last part of three-part series "Train of Thoughts - 2nd Edition." I hope you found value in my self-talk, where I've been questioning and answering some important life questions, maybe the most ones. I know there are flaws in my ideas, and I might be wrong at many places. It's not something one-size-fits-all.
So, I would greatly appreciate it if you could share your thoughts in the comments. Your insights will help me refine my perspective and become less wrong.
And, if you're interested in reading the other two parts, click on the links below:
And, if you’re interested in reading the first edition of "Train of Thoughts," click here.
However, even taking the time out of your day to read what I have to share with you means more to me than you can imagine.
Again, thank you for reading.